I heard them exclaim as we ran out of sight
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night, well if you have papers
If not, it probably won't be a very merry Christmas
For my hipster-Hillsongers - may the season be filled with skinny jeans and faux hawks as you contemplate how the birth of our Savior is really a story about how God wants to birth things in your life, even if you believe there is no more room at your inn. After services we will meet at the bar for our annual candlelight "R" rated version of Come All Ye Faithful.
For my tithe or die followers/Morris' Cursed Christians - you could have a merry Christmas. I mean God wants you to have a merry Christmas. The question is if you have honored Him first. There is no merriment in the Bible without first honoring God. He wants to throw open the windows of heaven if you would just honor Him by paying me. After all Malachi says you are robbing God! Forget Galatians and the Corinthian letters! Everything has been nailed to the cross except tithing! Abraham tithed! Isaac tithed! Rahab tithed! Uzzah was a tither before being struck by lightning. Same for Uriah! Everyone tithed! The donkey God used to speak to Balaam? Notorious tither! The tree of the knowledge of good and evil was a tithe! I am running out of absurd ideas so let me just say, tithe or die. Forget being merry. Tithe or die. Happy New Year! Well, maybe.
For my Idol-America worshippers/Hagee-ettes - may this Christmas bring you archeological proof that Jesus carried a gun, and the founding fathers were Pentecostal. May the atheists leave our country, Muslims never be allowed in, and Matt Gaetz find someone over 18 to date. We ask in Trumps name.
For my Dr. Michael Brown adherents - may your Christmas be filled with holiness. Sheer, unadulterated, wait that's a bad term, sheer unmolested, wait, not that one either. Just holiness and when I say holiness, I mean no kisses on the lips or butt smacking allowed! Seriously, don't make me convene a meeting in the spirit of Matthew 18!
For my Jenny Weaver PT Barnum suckers - may your Christmas be filled with core upon core activities and more Jenny Merch, pressed down and running over, that of course you have to pay for, I mean on top of the monthly recharging Core fee. Twenty bucks a month is a small price to pay for an ex-con swearing she's an apostle and that you are going to heaven.
For my marine demon LeClaire fighters - may your yuletide be merry, and your squid spirits be less sneaky. May you remember the activation code to release those pesky little angels of abundant harvest. If you need help, just find Katie Souza. I am sure she is around here somewhere, running away from a Christmas werewolf or something.
