How can you not be merry after such a glorious revelation!
For my prosperity Gospel/Murdockettes - the Lord told me you need to send me $2400 for your December 24 blessing! Take advantage of this now as God is orchestrating a supernatural wealth transfer from you to me. I mean from the unbelievers to the children of God! Hallelujer! Remember, as long as it stays in your hand it can only be a seed! There's a harvest waiting for you, after you pay me!
For my greasy-hyper grace/Princely Lawbreakers - thou shalt have a merry Christmas! Not because God said to but because of how special you are! How you are the apple of His eye! How you are the head and not the tail! You kicked a homeless person because they were in your way to take the last tree in the lot away from an indigent family of six? Don't worry! God is never angry with you sweetheart!
For my Harbingers/Cahn-Artists - may your moons always be full and bloody and your Shemitahs always be super! Keep an eye out for my new book, The Mystery of Why People Keep Buying My Books. It makes a great stocking stuffer! Enjoy this Christmas because it is probably the last one you will know before complete and total annihilation when Orion's belt crosses into shadow of Venus under the harvest moon during an atmospheric shift!
For my false signs and lying wonders adherents/Bethel-Babies - may your Christmas be stupidnatural. Filled with gold dust, gemstones, angel feathers for no reasons, glory clouds, unicorns filled with Werther's Original Butterscotch candies, and anything your wicked heart desires. Never mind that none of that is in the Bible. The Bible is for old folks burdened with the spirit of religion in desperate need of a revelation by Holy Spirit. Your personal experience is far more compelling.
For my Purpose Driven/Warrenesque disciples - may all those who disagree with you be blessedly subtracted from your lives. May you unwrap your purpose this Christmas. Because the God of the whole universe has specifically decreed that you were created to serve in the parking lot ministry at Bob's Mega-Church and Rib Palace from the foundations of the very world.
For my seeker friendly/Andy Stanleyoids - may you glean important life lessons from Star Wars or It's a Wonderful Life while listening to the pumped up version of Hark the Herald Angels or I Like to Move It Move It.
For my NAR Psycho-Dominionists, Lunatic-Lockes and Maniacal Murillos - we have this poem, just for you:
