As I was in prayer the other day the
Lord spoke to me. Not through the Bible silly, I mean He came into my room,
pulled up a chair and we had a chat. He gave me a spiritual download to share
with the body of Christ. Then He left. Through the front door. Very
anti-climactic. Let me preface these prophetic utterances by saying they may
come to pass. I mean, if the Lord said so, I would think at least 65% should
come true. That is what Rick Joyner, Mike Bickle and the Kansas City Profits
Prophets tell me. Sixty-five percent accuracy is the new benchmark for elite
Prophets apparently. Not sure why God would be wrong the other 35% of the time
but I will gladly take the margin of error. Thank goodness we have evolved past
that Old Testament standard of being stoned to death for falsely claiming to
hear from God. The church has got to get with the times if it going to survive.
Can I get an amen? Anywho, let's get on with the show! Err, I mean the solemn
expression a word from our Lord.
Joel Osteen will have a new book this coming year that will shatter all previous sales records he holds for Christian authors. The book entitled, "Twelve Steps to Becoming God" will be the much anticipated sequel to this year's best seller -- "I Am."
Mike Murdock and Paula White will combine forces to do a 24 hour Share-athon. They will explain that God has secretly told them both separately that you are to sow a "Psalm 150" Seed of $1500, the extra zero for extra blessings! Failure to do so however will result in God withdrawing all of His wisdom from your life, a cursed existence and utter poverty. The show will have a grand finale however with Paula's third husband and former rock and roller from the group Journey performing a duet of "Don't Stop Believing, God" with Mike Murdock on piano and backup vocals.
Heidi Baker will...shaka baba!
Creflo Dollar will start a Gofund Page so his ministry can purchase a 120 million dollar yacht. When asked why anyone should support this Dollar will reply, "If I want to believe God for a 120 million dollar yacht then that's what I am going to believe! You can't put God in your little box of poverty! Jesus was a rich man. He had a yacht too and we are supposed to be just like Him now aren't we? Fishing boat my eye! That was a yacht! Creflo Dollar Ministries has always been about excellence and what would say excellence more than me sailing up to Bimini to spread the Gospel!"
Bill Johnson will say something that would get normal people involuntarily committed.
Joseph Prince will actually preach a sermon that exegetes the destruction of the temple in 70 AD as an act of God's grace and love. Being unable to take any more of the absurd bible twisting he must do to prop up his false gospel, Joseph's hair will leave him and file a restraining order.
Kong Hee will go to jail.
Phil Pringle won't.
Neither will AR Bernard.
Benny Hinn will set an international record by waving his boxer shorts at a crowd of 125,000 in India, with 97,425 being "slain" at the same time. The resulting Tsunami will wreak havoc off the coast of Nantucket.
Heidi Baker will... shabba!
Joyce Meyer, Christine Caine, and Beth Moore will organize an annual conference called "Women Roxx" designed to mangle the Bible to excuse women in church leadership and further emasculate men. In a related story, Roma Downey will turn this into a 15 part TV miniseries with full weekly church teachings a cell group curriculum.
The Assemblies of God will immediately market it to their churches.
At "Women Roxx," the Sessions will include:
