Christmas wishes for my favorite heretical belief systems...

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This was my Christmas message from 2016, modified a bit for 2024:

Merry Christmas to all:

For my word faith/Osteenites - just say my life is merry, my life is merry. I am merriment. Speak that merriness into existence you little god. Try these self-affirmations, especially made for the holidays:

Christmas is for Christ

Christ is the son of God

I am in Christ and He is in me

I am a son of God

Christ is God

I am Christ

I am God

How can you not be merry after such a glorious revelation!

For my prosperity Gospel/Murdockettes - the Lord told me you need to send me $2400 for your December 24 blessing! Take advantage of this now as God is orchestrating a supernatural wealth transfer from you to me. I mean from the unbelievers to the children of God! Hallelujer! Remember, as long as it stays in your hand it can only be a seed! There's a harvest waiting for you, after you pay me!

For my greasy-hyper grace/Princely Lawbreakers - thou shalt have a merry Christmas! Not because God said to but because of how special you are! How you are the apple of His eye! How you are the head and not the tail! You kicked a homeless person because they were in your way to take the last tree in the lot away from an indigent family of six? Don't worry! God is never angry with you sweetheart!

For my Harbingers/Cahn-Artists - may your moons always be full and bloody and your Shemitahs always be super! Keep an eye out for my new book, The Mystery of Why People Keep Buying My Books. It makes a great stocking stuffer! Enjoy this Christmas because it is probably the last one you will know before complete and total annihilation when Orion's belt crosses into shadow of Venus under the harvest moon during an atmospheric shift!

For my false signs and lying wonders adherents/Bethel-Babies - may your Christmas be stupidnatural. Filled with gold dust, gemstones, angel feathers for no reasons, glory clouds, unicorns filled with Werther's Original Butterscotch candies, and anything your wicked heart desires. Never mind that none of that is in the Bible. The Bible is for old folks burdened with the spirit of religion in desperate need of a revelation by Holy Spirit. Your personal experience is far more compelling.

For my Purpose Driven/Warrenesque disciples - may all those who disagree with you be blessedly subtracted from your lives. May you unwrap your purpose this Christmas. Because the God of the whole universe has specifically decreed that you were created to serve in the parking lot ministry at Bob's Mega-Church and Rib Palace from the foundations of the very world.

For my seeker friendly/Andy Stanleyoids - may you glean important life lessons from Star Wars or It's a Wonderful Life while listening to the pumped up version of Hark the Herald Angels or I Like to Move It Move It.

For my NAR Psycho-Dominionists, Lunatic-Lockes and Maniacal Murillos - we have this poem, just for you:

Twas the Night before Christmas and all through the house

Not a single Democratic voter was stirring, not even a mouse

The stockings were hung by the book burning bonfire with care

In the hopes that the ICE agents soon would be there

The children were hiding all under their beds

While visions of being taken from their parents, danced in their heads

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter

We started to wonder of our rights would even matter

Away to the window we snuck out in a flash

As the front door kicked in with such a crash

When what to my wondering eyes should appear

Those same NAR hucksters that have been chasing us all year

We got out of there so lively and quick

Knowing full well their theology was sick

To the top of the porch! To the top of the wall!

Now run away! Run away all!

I heard them exclaim as we ran out of sight

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night, well if you have papers

If not, it probably won't be a very merry Christmas

For my hipster-Hillsongers - may the season be filled with skinny jeans and faux hawks as you contemplate how the birth of our Savior is really a story about how God wants to birth things in your life, even if you believe there is no more room at your inn. After services we will meet at the bar for our annual candlelight "R" rated version of Come All Ye Faithful.

For my tithe or die followers/Morris' Cursed Christians - you could have a merry Christmas. I mean God wants you to have a merry Christmas. The question is if you have honored Him first. There is no merriment in the Bible without first honoring God. He wants to throw open the windows of heaven if you would just honor Him by paying me. After all Malachi says you are robbing God! Forget Galatians and the Corinthian letters! Everything has been nailed to the cross except tithing! Abraham tithed! Isaac tithed! Rahab tithed! Uzzah was a tither before being struck by lightning. Same for Uriah! Everyone tithed! The donkey God used to speak to Balaam? Notorious tither! The tree of the knowledge of good and evil was a tithe! I am running out of absurd ideas so let me just say, tithe or die. Forget being merry. Tithe or die. Happy New Year! Well, maybe.

For my Idol-America worshippers/Hagee-ettes - may this Christmas bring you archeological proof that Jesus carried a gun, and the founding fathers were Pentecostal. May the atheists leave our country, Muslims never be allowed in, and Matt Gaetz find someone over 18 to date. We ask in Trumps name.

For my Dr. Michael Brown adherents - may your Christmas be filled with holiness. Sheer, unadulterated, wait that's a bad term, sheer unmolested, wait, not that one either. Just holiness and when I say holiness, I mean no kisses on the lips or butt smacking allowed! Seriously, don't make me convene a meeting in the spirit of Matthew 18!

For my Jenny Weaver PT Barnum suckers - may your Christmas be filled with core upon core activities and more Jenny Merch, pressed down and running over, that of course you have to pay for, I mean on top of the monthly recharging Core fee. Twenty bucks a month is a small price to pay for an ex-con swearing she's an apostle and that you are going to heaven.

For my marine demon LeClaire fighters - may your yuletide be merry, and your squid spirits be less sneaky. May you remember the activation code to release those pesky little angels of abundant harvest. If you need help, just find Katie Souza. I am sure she is around here somewhere, running away from a Christmas werewolf or something.

For my Shane Idleman, Idle-men - may you get a box with a big bow on it and inside is the Charisma News job of dominionist enforcer and NAR gatekeeper. Recently vacated by Dr. Brown. This would be a present for us all because Shane is even easier to debunk.

For my Eddie "women should rule the church because my wife told me so" Hyatt butchers of history and doctrine - may you finally find that elusive scriptural support that somehow magically invalidates "I do not permit women." May you find the birth certificate for Junias, to finally prove he is a woman. May you find secret communiques proving that Paul was actually Pauline. May you discover proof that they opened the Constitutional Convention of 1787 with "I Am a Friend of God." It is the season of miracles after all!

For my "Doctrine is a Dirty Word" viewers of The Chosen - let's hope the magic of Christmas brings you what your deceitful little hearts truly want - that Paul secretly had Attention Deficit Disorder, Ananias and Sapphira were struggling with their mortgage, which is why they tried to cheat the apostles, and Judas had a gambling addiction, which is why he stole from the treasury. Hey, Dallas Jenkins is not saying these things happened, only that they could have, right?

For my false prophet followers/General Cindy's foot soldiers - I declare and decree that 2024 will be your year of breakthrough! No wait - deliverance! No wait - overflow! Yes, all of you. Wait, did I use these same words last year? I really need a thesaurus for Christmas.

For my Holy Spirit blasphemers/Heidi Baker Bakers - I was going to wish you all - whooooaaa! Shabba! Whoooaaa! A good kind of Christmas you know? Shaka baba! Whooooaa! I need to lie down"

Now, Now, just a little fun. To all let us actually remember that unto us, in the city of David is born to us a Savior, Christ the Lord. Never let Linus have better theology than you. Merry Christmas beloved.

Authors Bio:
Credentialed Minister of the Gospel for the Assemblies of God. Owner and founder of 828 ministries. Vice President for Goodwill Industries. Always remember that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose.