Merry Christmas to all:
For my word faith/Osteenites -- just say my life is merry, my life is merry. Speak that merriness into existence you little god. Try these self-affirmations, especially made for the holidays:
Christmas is for Christ
Christ is the son of God
I am in Christ and He is in me
I am a son of God
Christ is God
I am Christ
I am God
How can you not be merry after such a glorious revelation!
For my prosperity Gospel/Murdockettes -- the Lord told me you need to send me $2400 for your December 24 blessing! Take advantage of this now as God is orchestrating a supernatural wealth transfer from you to me"I mean from the unbelievers to the children of god! Hallelujer! Remember, as long as it stays in your hand it can only be a seed! There's a harvest waiting for you!
For my greasy-hyper grace/Princely Lawbreakers -- thou shalt have a merry Christmas! Not because God said to but because of how special you are! How you are the apple of His eye! How you are the head and not the tail! You kicked a homeless person because they were in your way to take the last tree in the lot away from an indigent family of six? Don't worry! God is never angry with you sweetheart!
For my Harbingers/Cahn-Artists - may your moons always be full and bloody and your Shemitahs always be super! Enjoy this Christmas because it is probably the last one you will know before complete and total annihilation!
For my false signs and lying wonders adherents/Bethel-Babies -- may your Christmas be supernatural. Filled with gold dust, gemstones, angel feathers for no reasons, glory clouds, unicorns filled with Werther's Original Butterscotch candies, and anything your wicked hearts desire. Never mind that none of that is in the Bible. The Bible is for old religious folks. Your personal experience is far more compelling.
For my Purpose Driven/Warrenesque disciples -- may all those who disagree with you be blessedly subtracted from your lives. May you unwrap your purpose this Christmas. Because the God of the whole universe has specifically decreed that you were created to serve in the parking lot ministry at Bob's Mega-Church and Rib Palace from the foundations of the very world.
For my seeker friendly/Andy Stanleyoids - may you glean important life lessons from star wars or it's a wonderful life while listening to the pumped up version of Hark the Herald Angels Like to Move It Move It
For my hipster-Hillsongers - may the season be filled with skinny jeans and faux hawks as you contemplate how the birth of our Savior is really a story about how God wants to birth things in your life, even if you believe there is no more room at your inn. After services we will meet at the bar for our annual candlelight "R" rated version of "Come All Ye Faithful."
For my tithe or die followers/Morris' Cursed Christians - you could have a merry Christmas. I mean God wants you to have a merry Christmas. The question is if you have honored Him first. There is no merriment in the Bible without first honoring God. He wants to throw open the windows of heaven if you would just honor Him by paying me. After all Malachi says you are robbing God! Forget Galatians and the Corinthian letters! Everything has been nailed to the cross except tithing! Abraham tithed! Isaac tithed! Rahab tithed! Uzzah was a tither before being struck by lightning. Same for Uriah! Everyone tithed! The donkey God used to speak to Balaam? Notorious tither! The tree of the knowledge of good and evil was a tithe! I am running out of absurd ideas so let me just say, tithe or die. Forget being merry. Tithe or die. Happy New year! Well, maybe.
For my Idol-America worshippers/Hagee-ers - may this Christmas bring you archeological proof that Jesus carried a gun and the founding fathers were Pentecostal. May the atheists leave our country and the Muslims never be allowed in. We ask in Trumps name.
For my false prophet followers/General Cindy's foot soldiers - I declare and decree that 2016 will be your year of breakthrough! No wait"deliverance! No wait"overflow! Yes all of you. Wait, did I use these words last year? I really need a thesaurus for Christmas.
For my Holy Spirit blasphemers/Heidi Bakers - I was going to wish you all"whooooaaa! Shabba! Whoooaaa! A good kind of Christmas you know? Shaka baba! Whooooaa! I need to lie down"
Now, Now, just a little fun. To all let us actually remember that unto us, in the city of David is born to us a Savior, Christ the Lord. Never let Linus have better theology than you. Merry Christmas beloved.
